I Hate To Watch You Go.

The day I've been dreading was today. Today my husband left for his deployment. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Just seeing him in uniform, knowing he was about to be separated from me and our children in an unfamiliar place. Knowing he wouldn't be with me every day to keep me company. Knowing he wouldn't be able to hold me, hug me, comfort me, kiss me, or anything. Knowing everything he would miss. Knowing where he was going. Knowing that I couldn't go there. Knowing I couldn't be there to keep him together. Knowing all of these things... was so very hard.


It was so hard to let go of him. When they stood there in lines, which felt like forever... just standing. I wanted to take him away with me. Just watching from afar. Not being able to hold his hand. I knew this day was coming, but that doesn't make it easier. I'm so very glad we have good friends here. I'm so grateful to them. Because of them we were able to share some last few moments together.


I'm going to have to make it through one day at a time. 


I love you. Please come home to me safely.

- Rayne.

Daddy Tshirts For Deployment

We made "Daddy TShirts" to help with the separation during deployment.


Very simple.
Reused some Tshirts for my husband's and my shirt, and then bought some two shirts for cheap for the kids.
Plus some acrylic.


And the finished product:

 Daddy's hand and little Pey's foot (feet were a lot easier to do with her)

 Daddy's hand and AWS's.

 And a little fishy.

 Daddy and Mommy's hands.

And family prints.

- Rayne.

Sinking.

As my last blog stated, we're in the pre deployment stage.


My husband's deployment date was changed to an earlier date. I'm not going to openly disclose that date (OPSEC) but it was earlier than his first date. He was switched into another group. When he delivered this news he had written it on a note for me to read. "I leave at ____ on _____". When he explained... I cried. I felt my heart break. I wasn't accepting that he was leaving before. And this made it worse. 


Now I know what some people may think or even say: "You knew this was coming", "This is what he signed up for", and "You knew what you were getting into". Let me just say... those words are in no way comforting to someone. Yes, we knew this date was coming. But that doesn't make it easier. Facing deployment is NOT easy. It is not comforting. It is HARD. We knew he would face deployments when he enlisted. But that does not make everything "okay", that doesn't mean it's easy to accept his leaving. I can't imagine anyone approaching a deployment to be happy or excited... or anything close. It breaks my heart to think that he'll be away from me, away from his kids... for so long. And in the area that he is going. You can't help but to imagine anything and everything that could potentially happen. You can't help but to wonder. Now I'm completely unprepared. I haven't made the videos. I haven't done photos for the kids. We haven't made the shirts. I am not ready. That little change in a date... has me completely off. I feel like I'm sinking. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to think about how we'll make it through. I don't want him to see me cry. I want him to be clear headed and be able to perform his job. But I want him to hold me. I want him to comfort me. I want to be able to tell him how I worry. To tell him how scared I am.. how terrified.  


I'm trying to make every moment last. And to spend as much time as possible together. Which is hard with his schedule so hectic. I feel so much resentment towards the command at the moment... because the guys have these schedules... and they're about to leave their families. But I guess that's the military for you. I feel like I'm sinking. More and more. I'll have to make it through.


- Rayne.

"Pre Deployment"

Tonight I attended my first FRG meeting. The topic of course... Deployment.


And that's when it became real all over again and I came back to our reality.
We're in the "pre deployment" stage right now, and in no time at all he'll be leaving. 


I've been trying to deal with it as much as I can really. I've been told "not to think about it" and I've tried and tried. But it's all bottling up. Every time I think about it or hear the word I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to do it. I really, really, REALLY, don't. Of course, I can't imagine ANYONE who would want to. My husband and I are about to face a huge challenge. And we're going to conquer it. We're going to make it through. We've been through so much more... we can make it through this. At least, that's what I tell myself. I have to be a big girl. I have to get through this. Both Austin and Peyton are going to need me. I can't run away from it. I can't refuse it. I'm just going to have to deal with it. I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. One step after another. I have to.


The hardest thing is how dependent I am on him. I don't drive. I count on him to get me from point A to point B often. I plan everything around his schedule. He helps me with our kids. I feel like I need him. But not only to take care of us. I need him. He's my best friend. We've moved over 2500 miles away from everything and everyone we knew. All we have is eachother. He's a big part of my day... just talking to him and having him near. When he was gone on his field exercise he was gone for nearly 4 weeks. We didn't even have contact until the last couple days that he was gone. Now he'll be gone for nearly a year. I have a almost 2 year old and a 3 month old to care for while he's gone. The time he spent away before sucked. I had a hard time making it through that. I can't even imagine how this will be. A challenge for sure.


Right now I'm just trying to get everything together. Work out plans. Think of strategies. "Getting my ducks in order." This is reality. 


Dear Pre Deployment,


Last as long as you can. I'm not ready. And I don't know when I will be.


I guess I'll have to take it as it comes.


- Rayne.

Slacker slacker.

I am a slacker who has not updated her blog in a bit.
Well actually.. I'm a mom with a million and one things to do who has a two month old who screams just about every time you put her down and a monstrous toddler who gets into EVERYTHING.

Oh what fun right?

I have made the discovery that Austin is an artist in the making... that or it's "payback" as my mother says. Despite constant efforts, he draws and colors with crayons on walls and whatever surface he can.

Luckily I found that baby oil gets the crayon off of most of the surfaces.

Then when I put up the crayons, he asks to "color".

We're also quickly approaching our first deployment. But I will not go into or post the details of it.

- Rayne.