Sinking.

As my last blog stated, we're in the pre deployment stage.


My husband's deployment date was changed to an earlier date. I'm not going to openly disclose that date (OPSEC) but it was earlier than his first date. He was switched into another group. When he delivered this news he had written it on a note for me to read. "I leave at ____ on _____". When he explained... I cried. I felt my heart break. I wasn't accepting that he was leaving before. And this made it worse. 


Now I know what some people may think or even say: "You knew this was coming", "This is what he signed up for", and "You knew what you were getting into". Let me just say... those words are in no way comforting to someone. Yes, we knew this date was coming. But that doesn't make it easier. Facing deployment is NOT easy. It is not comforting. It is HARD. We knew he would face deployments when he enlisted. But that does not make everything "okay", that doesn't mean it's easy to accept his leaving. I can't imagine anyone approaching a deployment to be happy or excited... or anything close. It breaks my heart to think that he'll be away from me, away from his kids... for so long. And in the area that he is going. You can't help but to imagine anything and everything that could potentially happen. You can't help but to wonder. Now I'm completely unprepared. I haven't made the videos. I haven't done photos for the kids. We haven't made the shirts. I am not ready. That little change in a date... has me completely off. I feel like I'm sinking. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to think about how we'll make it through. I don't want him to see me cry. I want him to be clear headed and be able to perform his job. But I want him to hold me. I want him to comfort me. I want to be able to tell him how I worry. To tell him how scared I am.. how terrified.  


I'm trying to make every moment last. And to spend as much time as possible together. Which is hard with his schedule so hectic. I feel so much resentment towards the command at the moment... because the guys have these schedules... and they're about to leave their families. But I guess that's the military for you. I feel like I'm sinking. More and more. I'll have to make it through.


- Rayne.