"Pre Deployment"

Tonight I attended my first FRG meeting. The topic of course... Deployment.


And that's when it became real all over again and I came back to our reality.
We're in the "pre deployment" stage right now, and in no time at all he'll be leaving. 


I've been trying to deal with it as much as I can really. I've been told "not to think about it" and I've tried and tried. But it's all bottling up. Every time I think about it or hear the word I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to do it. I really, really, REALLY, don't. Of course, I can't imagine ANYONE who would want to. My husband and I are about to face a huge challenge. And we're going to conquer it. We're going to make it through. We've been through so much more... we can make it through this. At least, that's what I tell myself. I have to be a big girl. I have to get through this. Both Austin and Peyton are going to need me. I can't run away from it. I can't refuse it. I'm just going to have to deal with it. I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. One step after another. I have to.


The hardest thing is how dependent I am on him. I don't drive. I count on him to get me from point A to point B often. I plan everything around his schedule. He helps me with our kids. I feel like I need him. But not only to take care of us. I need him. He's my best friend. We've moved over 2500 miles away from everything and everyone we knew. All we have is eachother. He's a big part of my day... just talking to him and having him near. When he was gone on his field exercise he was gone for nearly 4 weeks. We didn't even have contact until the last couple days that he was gone. Now he'll be gone for nearly a year. I have a almost 2 year old and a 3 month old to care for while he's gone. The time he spent away before sucked. I had a hard time making it through that. I can't even imagine how this will be. A challenge for sure.


Right now I'm just trying to get everything together. Work out plans. Think of strategies. "Getting my ducks in order." This is reality. 


Dear Pre Deployment,


Last as long as you can. I'm not ready. And I don't know when I will be.


I guess I'll have to take it as it comes.


- Rayne.